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20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage

20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage

Twenty years ago today, Cody and I officially became a family of two. Best decision of my young life, and I do mean that. Neither of us has a clue how it’s possible that 20 years have come and gone already, and I feel more grateful than ever that we have built our own story.

I felt inspired to share some things here on my blog because I hope there is something that perhaps will spark an idea in someone else’s mind about what kind of effort they may want to put into their own marriage. Or perhaps it helps some of you to turn inwards and think about the things you’ve learned in your own marriage.

The truth is, I have fallen in love with Cody and out of love with him but we never give up.

In 2-O years we have managed to make it through buying a ranch, taking over Cody’s parents ranch, 4 pregnancies, deaths and are kind of rocking the twin parenting and teenage boy thing. We really have nothing to complain about.

HERE IS WHAT I’VE PERSONALLY LEARNED AFTER 20 YEARS OF BEING MARRIED

Lesson number one: Cowboys really are from Mars!

Okay, I’ll get to the real list. (But seriously.) I have to say there really are more than 20 I’ve learned in these 20 years, but this is obviously a more narrowed-down list. These are in no particular order!

1)  Marriage is not a 50/50 type of relationship – This one was something that I had to learn the hard way. You see, this belief caused us to fight a lot until we figured out that we both must set aside selfishness and give everything we have, over and over, to make our relationship successful. We both have to give 100% each.

2) Stay humble, Stay Kind- we all are imperfect, right? Yes, we are, and we need to be humble enough to admit it. It is our human nature to be right all the time, but we all know that is not ever going to happen, making humility essential. When Cody and I have a situation we don’t agree on, I have noticed that my attitude can change our disagreement from a fight to just a talk, especially if I can admit that I am wrong, we find the solution a lot faster.

3) I’m busy. He’s busy. Everyone is busy. But never be too busy for each other.

4) Communication – we have learned that communication is so important. Chat with each other. I cannot assume that Cody can read my mind and I know that I can not read Cody’s mind either, especially working cattle! We have learned that if something little is bothering us and we let it fester, then we eventually will have a huge disagreement. Communication whether it is good, bad or ugly, talking is so important in a marriage.

5) Listening – Communication is a two-way street where you have to listen as well. Understanding where each other is coming from is important, and that can only happen if you stop and listen.

6) Marriage, then the kids – this one is a tough one because our maternal instincts come out, but we have learned that it is so important to put “us” before “them”. We have learned that if we neglect our relationship while raising our kids, we slowly grow apart. I also believe that it is important for our kids to see their parents spending time together. We need to be good examples to our kids and it is okay to close our doors and have some quiet time with each other. In addition to this, children gain a sense of security when they know their parents are happy.

7) “Don’t go to bed mad” – On our wedding day, my grandpa, who was in his 90’s, gave us this advice. He was so right.

8) It is okay to have differences – differences actually can be a blessing. We are different, Cody is quiet while I am not!! Cody is reserved and I am outgoing. Cody is a planner and I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. You see, while sometimes our differences may cause a little conflict, we try to pull each other out of our comfort zones. Our differences make our life interesting, exciting and cause us to grow. I think that it is a blessing.

9) Don’t try to change each other – Ever tried to change someone? It does not work. The only person that can be me is me. The same is in a marriage. Don’t try to change your spouse. One of the turning points in our marriage is when I figured out that I should support Cody, not change him.

10) Make time for Date Nights – You don’t have GO OUT on the town, a simple alone time is considered a date to us. We go horseback riding, 4-wheeler riding, we go check water together and sometimes we just put the kids to bed and have a glass of wine together. If you think about it, the main purpose of dating is to get to know someone, to enjoy his company, have fun, and nurture the relationship, right? So why would you stop dating when you get married?

11) Don’t talk bad about each other in front of kids, friends and family – talking bad about each other will do more harm than good and to be honest, it really gets you nowhere fast. This also includes calling each other bad names. I want to add to this as well, don’t compare other marriages to your own marriage.

12) Money – it is important to get on the same page about money. Finances break up a lot of marriages. If you both commit your hearts to God and follow His leading by releasing, in your heart, your money to Him, then you will move forward together.

13) Laugh, Smile, Be Silly – Laughing together can take the edge off many stressful situations. Doesn’t it make a day go by faster when you can laugh, smile and be silly? You bet it does. Just having a good sense of humor is critical. Learning to lighten up about life in general, makes life happier.

14) Compromise – We have learned that we never get anywhere if we are both not willing to bend. We are different, so we must rely on compromise. It is not a matter of who’s right. It is about meeting in the middle between our differences.

15) Be the “safe place”. It is so important to be each others safe place. I can vent, cry, and carry on to Cody and he will listen, have advice and offer his opinion. Likewise, Cody can share things with me and know that I am not judging him or sharing it with those around us.

16) Never let your praying knees get lazy – I know that this is the key factor in keeping our marriage stable. Having God in the center of our marriage helps keep our life agenda on track. Keeping God in the middle of our relationship helps our marriage survive. As we both look to our God as our example of how we should be, we are happier and our marriage soars.

17) Have a good partnership – marriage is a partnership, it is made up of two different individuals that have different goals. We need to acknowledge that we need room to grow this partnership and this partnership works together as a team. So while Cody is good at breaking horses, I am better at giving them treats!! You see what I mean?

18) Don’t lie – ever. Always the tell the truth. That is all. And if you can not tell the truth to each other, you have bigger problems. 

19) Forgive and forget – we all make mistakes in our life and in marriage and I get that, but we have found it crucial to be willing to apologize and a be ready to forgive each other. Did I mention that you have to do this over and over and over?!!

20) Positive reinforcement for the win! This one is so important and to be honest, sometimes the hardest to remember to do. When I see Cody being the best dad ever, or the best cowboy every, I try not to just think it in my head. It is so important to point out those observations. When Cody does something that is a turn-on and I tell him (and let’s be honest – show him) how I feel about it, you better believe he’s likely to repeat it!! And o by the way, it works both ways!! 🙂

Bonus – Service is love in action. Cody needs hugs and kissing while I am receive love through gifts. We have learned what the other needs. When we figured these this out, our marriage life got 10 times better!!

Bonus – My comment about Cowboys are from Mars (and women are from Venus.) The truth is….we solve problems in our different ways. We respond to stress in different ways. We express ourselves differently. We react differently. So guess what? We are different. When we celebrate our difference and practice patience in doing soo.. well it softens the heart which makes our relationship better.

Bonus – It is so important to establish traditions and rituals. A friend asked me the other day about our traditions and this is what I said:

“We have started our own traditions with our family but we also have carried on traditions from my side and from Cody’s side, the key is that we make our family unique.”

and one more thing,

Say “I love you” often.

Happy 20th Anniversary to a special Cowboy!

There you have it, friends. This list is not exhaustive, and I would sure love to hear what you have learned in your marriages.

Categories
17 Years of Marriage anniversary Love Story marriage Young Love

Our Love Story

Our Love Story

Thank you for reminding me what
butterflies feel like!
On this day, 17 years ago on a beautiful day, two 19 year olds said “I do”.

Our story began in the Summer of 1993 at a church convention in Chugwater, Wyoming.
Cody was single, I was not!
We exchanged addresses and wrote a few letters through out the years.
In October of 1997, I was a senior in High School.  I was very active in volleyball and had just experienced a rough break up with a boy. I had a “NONBOY” attitude.
My mother decided that I needed to attend a church convention in Kansas. She insisted that I go.
I went by myself and I can remember thinking, “Why am I going?” I made a little detour and was a little late getting to the convention. You see, I really didn’t want to go and I felt like I had my life in control.  Turns out that I need to attend that convention.  I think my mom and God talked to each other.
I sat at a lunch table, when I heard this,
“Naomi, can you please pass the tea?”
I about fell off my chair.
Cody Loomis remembered my name.
To tell you the truth I can not remember a thing that the preachers talked about. All I can remember was the butterflies in my stomach and the long walks that we went on.
After the convention was over, I drove Cody to his ranch and we went on a horseback ride.  We talked about our faults, our weaknesses, our goals in life, our fears, our past relationships, and our future.
I can remember leaving his ranch that night and thanking God that I went to Kansas.

In September of 1998, Cody took a knee and asked me to be his wife. I said, “YES”.
Two weeks later in Lone Tree Canyon, east of Chugwater, Wyoming we said these vows:

You are my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow.
I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

Today I’m celebrating 17 years of marriage with My cowboy. I’m surprised by how fast the years have gone by.

When I think back on our dating days and then our wedding day, it was filled with such hope and promises. Our love was blossoming and a new life was beginning for both of us.

In the course of these 17 years, we’ve learned a great deal about ourselves and about each other. About the importance of marriage and why it’s worth fighting for.

We were young, in love and ready for marriage when we said yes in our late teens, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we knew how to have a great marriage.

17 years later, here are 12 lessons that have been clarified for us in our marriage:

1. The 50/50 Game Doesn’t Work.
For a season, we view marriage like it is a game, a competition. If I do this, you should do that. Meet me in the middle here, do a little more there. If you do 50 things, I’ll do 50. That sort of game. But, true love is shown when one of us can’t get to the middle. Then, it’s up to the other to go the extra mile. Maybe that ratio is 90/10 for a season if one of us is sick, stressed, or even depressed. Don’t view marriage as a scorecard. Someone always loses that way.

2. Keep Adventure Alive.
Fighting to keep adventure alive doesn’t have to be extravagant. Maybe it’s a small drive with no kids, or maybe you shut the door to your bedroom, maybe its a date to a feeder meeting, or a surprise baby sitter for the evening or even a simple handwritten note. One of our favorites is a horse back ride!

3. Kiss, Hug & Hold Each Other.
This is a hard one but probably one of the most important. Make a point to kiss and hug your spouse each morning and night. When you’re leaving and arriving too.  I challenge each of you to try this.  It makes a huge difference in your day and night. Be the one to make the move first, don’t always wait for the other. I also challenge you to hold hands, it rekindles the flame!

4. Grit Is Often The Best Description Of Love.
When we where newlyweds love was easy, but after years real life can get chaotic, stressful, and confusing.  The answer is to dig your boots in when life gets hard.

5. Real Life Happens In The Mundane.
Babies being born, buying a piece of land, buying a new car are the peaks of marriage, and they are great. However, most normal days are mundane. I’ve been guilty of missing the little moments while I work to make the big ones happen. I’m realizing that life happens in those little moments. I’m learning to love the journey, every bit, as much as the destination.

6. Proximity Doesn’t Equal Presence.
Being physically close isn’t the same as being close emotionally. We need to put away our phones and listen to each other’s hearts.  Life is busy; when you have the ability to be together physically, it is important be there emotionally as well.

7. Comparison Will Kill.
In an age of social media it’s easy to feel like your marriage sucks.  It does our relationship no good when we compare our money, house, kids’ performance and marriage to others through social media. We will become the losers. It robs our joy.

8. Don’t Throw It Away.
Each day we need to keep choosing each other.  When our going gets a little rough, I remember our wedding day or the birth our kids and decide that it will pay to keep our spark alive. We need to be honest about when we fail. It will be worth it.

9. Giving & Serving. 
Are we giving and serving? Or are we only taking and using? Life is best when we are giving ourself away for the benefit of  the other.

10. Live In Community.
Nobody told me that marriage is hard. It can be beautiful and redeeming.When we chose to surround our self with friends and family who know your strengths as well as your struggles, you realize you have support and encouragement.
October 10, 1998
I had no idea what marriage was.  But I am thankful for
My Cowboy.  I wouldn’t trade this day for anything.
~1998~ All we had was each other.
So to My Cowboy on this tenth day of October:
Happy Anniversary!! Thank you for another year of love, for your continued faithfulness through all our ups and downs. Thank you for trusting me.  Thank you for your leadership and your heart.  Thank you for  being a great dad to our four beautiful children.  Thank you lifting me up when I am down.  Thank you for picking me to be your wife.  Thank you for all your hard work.  I truly love you more everyday and can not wait for the next 17 years.
                                        ~Love your wife.